u wake up on christmas morning and go downstairs, full of excitement. somebody is stealing all of your christmas presents. it is jesus. “its my birthday, not yours” he hisses menacingly, then runs away with all your gifts in his arms
*drug dealer voice* do u wanna buy some self esteem
|—||Men’s Rights Activists (via punacceptable)|
it’s 4:20 you know what that means. time to go out and milk the cows. life on a pennsylvanian farm is tough but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
once when i was little my mom wouldnt let me go outside so i tried to call her a fun sucker but accidentally said son fucker instead and i didnt know why she was laughing so hard
hi yes i would like a glass of attention please
i got 99 problems and 97 of them are due by the end of the week
would it be ridiculous if i served breakfast at my wedding
my fall look today is winged eyeliner, plum lipstick, and a look on my face like i’m fucking your boyfriend and can’t wait for you to find out.
y’know i dont think i’ll ever understand Your Boyfriend Is Cheating On You With Me Arent I Great humour and i dont think i want to
shipping is $19.99 but you can handle me for free
I love seeing people walking by with little smiles on their face because something small happened that made them happy. Maybe they got a cute text, maybe they got laid, maybe they killed a man. You will never know.
I think my mom is starting to like my music taste